Archives from my previous blog

Archives from my previous blog

Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Confused Numbness

trees are still and the birds have disappeared
flowers are white and seem no more shattered
sky uniform light blue with no clouds to surround
its all so vivid so calm, with no boundaries found

i find myself staring at sun, to locate its boundaries
i find myself searching for clouds to observe the mazes
why is it so disturbing, why is it so confusing
i check my eyelids, is it that i've stopped looking

i listen to my heart, the beats have changed into hum
the breathing seems to be gone, the body feels numb
eyes are searching for irregular, abrupt, sharp edges
to see through them, cut the shell and fill the voidness

the man on the horse is not visible anymore
his continuous call is not audible anymore
is it that i am running but time has out run me
or its just that time is steady and i have stopped running

Monday, November 07, 2005
Run Like Hell
come, hold my hands.. lets run
have you ever run for something,
something like a treasure waiting for you,
for the time as long as centuries one and two,
with its eyes fixed at the moon for days,
waiting for it to get eclipsed by your face

have you ever run away from something,
something as bitter as the truth of life,
causing you and yourself engage in strife,
every sentence of truth tightening the knot,
in the stomach, causing pain a lot

have you ever run towards something,
something as meaningless as a plain illusion,
shattering the goal of life and the vision,
leaving you all alone in this crowded world,
disappearing all of a sudden in the cold

have you ever run out of something,
something as important as courage,
fading the power to turn the page,
causing your mind and body freeze,
shrinking you into a fly struggling in the breeze

have you ever run through something,
something as personal as your own flesh,
feeling every cut every pain every mess,
to fill the voidness with something you can feel,
something which you can see something which is real

have you ever run behind something,
something as unrecoverable as time,
lost in the air lost in the rhyme,
leaving you helpless in this world of shadows so dark,
erasing the dimensions where you can track its foot marks

i know you nodded a yes for all I said,
feeling all the punch good and bad
you want to get out of this web fine n well,
so hold my hands and lets run like hell

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A walk down the memory lane

Although it is an old one, yet I am posting it... cause I wanted to write something about my institute and couldn't think of anything better than this. guess i need to write a disclaimer for this :)... so many people have been targetted here.

it used to happen every morning,
bang at the door coming as the last warning,
for the start of the day with a challenge at 9 o'clock,
although a habit, yet coming everyday as a shock.

i'll always remember...
the drowsy eyes duelling to remain closed,
the evil mind struggling to remain dozed,
but betrayed by the body walking besides the senate hall,
to the department i had been going whole spring, whole fall.

i'll always remember...
the constant flow of words out of his mouth,
testing the mental ability without any north or south,
with his discussion lost in the polling,
done by us to rejuvenate the lecture so boring

i'll always remember...
the ugliest, heinous creature in the town,
who fell in love "as if" with princess fiona in white wedding gown,
pretending to be the most eligible bachelor in the faculty,
whenever taking extra class causing thirties of casualty.

i'll always remember...
the you know and i guess kind of teacher
a beautiful fan of garfield with ugly sense of humour,
heartthrob of all without any age bar,
like a flower in the garden but maintained by the gardener.

i'll always remember...
the percussion instrument creeping all around everywhere,
always puzzled as of what's happening here and there,
creating humour by all his acts,
loved by all as a matter of fact.

i'll always remember...
the words of wisdom given by him,
out of the context out of the theme,
riding on a philosophy so obscure,
becoming more so horrible in his HOD tenure.

i'll always remember...
the flourishing gardens spread through the lawns,
the countless denials for the project discussions,
the solved examples in the ts and sems,
and lots other untold stories of endless pains.

i can never forget...
the days before the ts and the sems,
when we ran behind the very few rare gems,
the nightouts, canteen and vicky's maggy,
the beats of linking park and shakes of shaggy,
the evenings at UGES playing TT, carrom and billiards,
and nights in F-41 with the sacks of playing cards,
the chapos at jewels, mdi and pols,
and the situational compromises at sp patching the pocket holes,
the blessed food at mess, yes a total mess,
no other day any better or any less
the hours at nescafe and alpahar,
seeming to be left so far.

looking back at all these things kept in my mind,
left thousands of miles, thousands of hours behind,
i figure out that both the distances are unrecoverable,
the only asset i am left with are the memories adorable.

i can never forget...
the place which kept on giving me all i wished for four years,
but snatched a person in me in the end, leaving me in tears.

Miss you very much IIT Roorkee :(

Coming back to life

Today I sat to think about what should I write, and I just couldn't think of anything to write. Perhaps I know the reason why it happened. I have almost stopped thinking now. But ironically, the lesser I think the more is this life becoming smoother for me. Yes, perhaps this is the way we should live our life.
Thinking too much made me see all the negative aspects of life. Its good to keep thinking of it if it is possible to change it all. But as I know I can't change anything, so its better that I don't keep thinking of the things out of my control and better start living a light and funny life.
Why to get entangled in the complex web or the keep thinking about the dark faces... There are other funnier things to do like watching a late night movie and returning back home at a speed of 30 kmph on bike absorbing each and every molecule of the mild wind, each and every tint of darkness, each and every photon of moon light... like sitting in a group with friends around pulling each others' legs as much as possible... absorbing each and every syllable of the words spoken... watching each and every stretch of muscle happening due to smile and laughter.
But is this all possible if you are entangled in the realisation of truth, well yes it is possible, its just that one needs to formulate the concept of a new day afterwards... this dark path is just a road like ones I go through when I go back home... making my ride full of narrow escapes from pits and bumps. But that doesn't mean I stop going through the roads... I just think of the warmth and ease I will have when I reach home and i just hit the road.
Life should be more of a home coming... if it is not, we are in trouble.
Another way of looking at this can be....
its all a mere fattebaazi, few months before i had lost three cells, one wrist watch, one pair of shoes all stolen, i didn't have any fixed home... all my friends had left the company and i was kindof peerless... and besides this all there were lots more small small unspoken things which had been turning my life from bad to worse.. and now I am again surrounded by friends, touch wood nothing out of my belongings has been stolen or lost in last few months and I have learnt a new way of living a professional life...:)

Friday, April 15, 2005
Me, Myself and My Dreams!!!

I was halfway through the book on dreams when i read about the hypnogogic phase happening just before the first phase of sleep (Sleep has two stages REM rapid eye movement and NREM non REM with each having 4 phases). It is the stage when we can observe the proceedings in unconscious mind as a slideshow of various pictures flashing before our closed eyes generated by unconscious mind. We can't move ourselves easily and can break the partial unconsciousness if we try deliberately.
One day i was trying to reach the hypnogogic stage. For that i thought i would start thinking about the slideshow of pictures in my conscious mind which can later be taken over by unconscious mind. My idea was that I would make it easier for the unconscious mind to continue with the slideshow of pictures.
I had already decided what to think of... I was going to make a pictorial journey back to my life.
The first thing I though of was my cubicle. No windows, no extra space, no privacy still very adorable.My bike... Definitely male bajaj pulsarMy Office building, Aditi TechnologiesMy Family photo with bhaiya sneering through the sides of his face at me(we normally keep teasing each other)Chath Puja, my mummy standing in the gangesDidi's weddingOur favouriate Dumb C on trainIIT Roorkee Main BuildingMy Room at Govind Bhawan, F-41Class Room: Friends passing opinion polls and V K AgarwalDholuCognizance and the third eyeThomsoCentury GateJewelsCanteenNescafeAbhay's IIT Physics teaching centreSchoolSD Singh sir teaching mathsArya Madam Scolding me for incomplete HomeworkKV no. 2, FaridabadDalal sir slapping me as i wasn't carrying passThe evening games at Q-17 Type IIIthe first home i remember- 5-K-2, Faridabad......Before i was to think what to think next i saw all these pictures replay in reverse order... I knew that it was my unconscious mind... And more happy i was because I had shown it the path for what to think. With my unconscious mind playing these scenes i was wondering with my conscious mind that what would happen after the last picture i.e. my cubicle...
And after the last picture what i saw were the images of some unknown places... maybe monuments..in some time i was into something other than just slideshows... I was into my dreamworld...
I have listed some of my dreams i could recollect...
(1) I running around in an unknown underconstruction building trying to save a child from a devil on a dark scary night.
(2) My doorbell was ringing and I opened the door. Next thing I saw was a stranger standing with my known friends and staring straight into my eyes.
(3) I sitting at the table of a restaurant with a stranger blaming me for something and my brother trying helplessly to convince that person that i haven't done anything.
(4) My mother fallen into some unknown circumstance looking at me for help but I am unable to do that.
After reading that book i know my dreams very well now and i can easily interpret them. but i still need to figure out reasons for those unknown places which i saw in hypnogogic phase.
Whatever we dream can be interpreted in three ways...Level 1- Basic and straight interpretationLevel 2- Symbolic InterpretationLevel 3- Spiritual Level (rare)
I find these dreams to be easily interpretable by level 2 interpretation.
(1) A child represents hopes, dreams and expectations from future. So in my first dream, i was trying to save my dreams, my hopes from getting destroyed. An underconstruction building represents unaccomplished task and dark scary night represents adverse situations.
(2) and (3) My fear of facing some one i don't remember the face and if its a stranger than 'a situation' from which only my bhaiya can save me... So bhaiya... i need your help :)
(4) Mother represents our unconscious self, who is supposed to know us better than our conscious self, so if she is seen in trouble, then it means i have a fear that my inner self is in some problematic situation.
All of these dreams are negative ones, doesn't mean that i am a sick person, we often forget our good dreams, because they don't produce any disturbing signal in our mind and our mind doesn't react to them in a strong way, that causes us retain our unconsciousness and we tend to forget them.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Living a Life

The luminous grey sunlight of morning caught a place straight over his eyelids through the corner of the window as if hitting some target they had set 150 million kms away. He opened his eyes slowly to confirm that he was in his house. He dragged himself towards the window and closed it disallowing the optimistic sunlight which continuously was growing bright loosing all its greyness. Darkness covered the room all over again. He liked it to be dark. He noticed a slight smile on the sides of his face.Over years he had started to like darkness. Perhaps being afraid of the sight across the horizon. Last few years had made him see many shades of darkness. Life to him was becoming just an endless run... trying to escape the grip of this darkness to nowhere... Lazily he dressedup and walked out for another journey. Outside at the bus stop he felt a splash of wind from behind. He could feel the wind smiling at him... trying hard to grip his neck in its hold... as if to kill him... kill him for the millionth time. He looked behind to smile at the wind with his eyes saying that you can't kill a dead man. His bus had arrived and he started to turn towards it but something stopped him in between. It was a black rectangular board. The wind was continuously hitting against the board trying to slam it down. Something made him go closer to the board. Perhaps it was his growing affinity for darkness. As he approached it, he noticed that it was a signboard for some shop across the square. A bright white arrow was pointing towards the shop unaware of the wind. It was the only bright thing on the board. A huge blow of wind crossed the street snatching his file from his hands and spilling all the papers contained in it. He ran around for five minutes to recollect the pages back and checked them. A frustrated smile ran across his face when he discovered that he had lost few of the important documents. The trees across the street made an annoying noise because of wind as if they were sharing some joke and laughing it out. He knew that they were laughing at him. He could feel the laughing dark shadows of the trees falling on him gripping harder and harder every next moment. By that time his bus was gone and he knew that he had to face lots more such shadows falling on his face gripping him even harder as if trying to shrink him empty.He turned at the signboard to curse it but before he could remove his eyes from it something dazzled his eyes. He knew that it was the sunlight which by now had lost all its greyness and had come to flaunt about it. But how come sunlight out of a dull dark signboard. He opened his eyes slowly and found that light was coming out of small small holes made in the board... And in a moment all the light was gone. It was a huge mirror some people were carrying crossing behind the board. The moment had made a deep impression in his mind... He remembered even the white arrow sign glowing because of the straight sun facing the board.He walked till the bench at the bus stop and sat there unaware of everything... looking into nothingness. A sweet voice caught his attention. It was a small girl singing some song loud enough to be heard. In a moment her school bus was there and she disappeared. but the song had caught his lips... i know the sun would shine again,i know the rains would wash away the pain...someday someway i will get my treasure,someday someway i will be in immense pleasure...He had started to understand everthing now. He could understand his run out of the darkness now... cause it wasn't the run out of the darkness, it was the run in search of the treasure... his treasure of life and he had to head towards it, like the bright arrowhead, which kept pointing towards the shop... its treasure. But this run for treasure can grow too monotonous, thats why these darknesses are there... to entertain him. And he had to learn to live with them, like the black signboard, which had the holes made to enable it live with the dark wind and gain brighness overcoming its dark destiny. But wasn't it actually the wind which enabled the board catch his attention. If it was then how can it be dark...He kept his file aside and walked out of the shed into the sunlight looking straight at the sun... He found that sun was trying to convince him that every greyness can be overcome. He noticed trees and the wind nodding in unison as if emphasizing that "its true!". He could feel the wind touching and embracing him from his back He took his file and walked down the street back to his house .... He had to reframe his philosophy of life. The music of that song was still in the air washing away all the dust and darkness from around him. After years he found that he actually was laughing...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Expressing love!!!
hey eyes! open up... see she's the one i love
what! you can't see her... okay wait for her to come

hey hands! extend yourself... she wants to come along
what! you can't find her hands... okay wait for her to extend

hey mouth! say something... she wants to talk
what! you don't get a reply... okay wait for her to reply

hey ears! listen to her... she's wants to sing for you
what! you can't hear anything... okay wait for her to sing

hey heart! Beat harder... She's wants to come to you
what! she isn't coming... okay wait for her to come

hey all! just wait... i know she'll come for you
what! you don't believe me... please do

hey eyes! see her now... she's come
eyes! where are you... she's come now

hey hands! hold her hands now... she's waiting
hands! where are you... she's come now

hey mouth! say something now... she's listening
mouth! where are you... she's come now

hey ears! listen now... she's singing
ears! where are you... she's come now

hey heart! beat now... she's waiting
heart! where are you... she's come now

hey all! i told u she'll come... she's come
what! i can't hear you... i can't see you...

PS: why is body always betraying soul... the soul had always been feeling her presence. it always knew that she was there, but this body befooled it by arguing that she wasn't there. and when the soul lost the body, it discovered that now it had a much stronger feeling that she is there. But it couldn't find the body. why had soul ever wanted the body to be there, soul wanted to be with her and had always felt her presence thats it...
perhaps because it needed channels to express feelings... and body was the only channel available to the soul. And the body betrayed the soul again by fading away. Now the soul didn't have any way to express its love for her...

Sounds sick.. doesn't it, his body betrayed him when he found his love. Well... but I think different about this... body is always like that... it always behaves nonparallel to mind...But I didn't write this to cry my words out for the helplessness of soul. I wrote this for experiencing the expression of feelings. Recently I read in a book that feelings can never be expressed completely. Because expressing them requires the use of words or actions.
Then to try it I chose the purest form of feeling that is love... (I read somewhere that there are only two forms of feelings.. love and fear, anyways I'll talk about that some other time). I wanted to write something about love and I ended up writing this poem.I felt as if I found a treasure. It said very close to what I wanted to write. Then I understood it better why people link music with love.poems and songs are the compilation of words floating on the rhythm of music. the underlying music makes the array of words sound more meaningful.
I loved to know it like this. I felt like as if I have recovered my disability. I have a tool to express myself much better. The tool of music.
And why did I take so long to discover this... Wasn't I knowing that the language I use has only 26 alphabets while the guitar I play has (12(frets)*6(strings)=) 72 tabs.


The Complex Web
Lets start like this.... What strikes your mind when you think of "web"... Maybe Internet,.... or a spider... or even the SpiderMan thing.
Don't scrach your head as what to think and what not to because whatever you thought of was quite obvious. It all depends upon the preferences of our daily life i.e. physical life... our mind keeps on caching all the data we come across and throws them first when queried... for thinking laterally about something else we need to trigger the thought of initiating lateral thinking first. Anyways this isn't what I started to write about... will write of it sometime later.
To make my intentions more lucid i'll reframe the title as:
The Vicious Cycle of Life
Ok now listen to me. Stop... forget whatever you are thinking about. Come with me and see it all my way. Take a look around, you'll find many people engaged in their own work doing something following some road... Yes road is what many intellectuals call it as.. The road of life. Sounds amusing doesn't it... Because every road leads to some destination and its good to know that you also have one. But doesn't everyone have a destination where they are lead to by the road...
Now open your eyes... Well... not these two eyes which already are open but the eyes of insight... Haven't you ever looked around yourself to find some relatives... peers and those you love while walking down this road.... Haven't you ever tried to change your path to do something you wish. Yes you certainly have and why just you... everyone has... I have.....
There comes the idea of equilibrium of life... We do only what is in the closest reach of us.... Not disturbing the equilibrium. And we feel happy about it... I wrote a poem sometime back on this thought:
The Reality of the darkness
it started with seemingly last look at the shadows,out of the box in the dark through the windows,'i can't see anything where should i go', he said,got the reply, 'follow the path my boy, its already made','its very dark out there', he seemed scared,couldn't get a reply cause shadows had already faded
the cold breeze made him feel amused,the mild voices left him think confused,but he kept on going over the dark path,unaware of the direction be it north or south,he looked around to locate the mild voices,screamed the shadows, 'watch my boy its from vices'
far off on the horizon, caught the sun his sight,making him realize the end of a cold amusing night,happy he was to see the daylight for the first time,a stone on the way caused him jerk open his eyes in shine,‘Can I really see’, he was happy about his sight,but a mere look around filled his heart with fright
the mild voices of the night had been screams,of the few ones who woke up from dreams,the threads extended longer than their veins,wrapping them around leaving them in pains,a prolonged stare made him see millions of paths,all coming from some north heading towards some south
‘is it painful with the threads around’,he kept moving along with a smile for no pain found,till he was struck by another stone on the road,fell out of the path hurt by the reddened thread,‘loosen the thread it hurts’ screamed he,‘come back on the path, that would make you feel free’
the red liquid ran down the thread to the shadowswho seemed to be dark even with light at the windows,hobbled he on the path pained by the threads all around his veins,waiting for the threads to fall short from extending, with dreams of freedom rains,when rains would wash the redness dissolving the thread out,and cover the paths with water fading away all the norths and souths
scared him that slightest thought deep down his mind,leaving his conscience even more numb and blind,what if he reaches another box with some window,where waiting for him to loosen the thread is standing another shadow,to start a journey as guided in the dark on the road,and tied in the red threads now grown dark, he would hold another wet red thread in cold
Well.... why do we grow to become those dark shadows... getting more and more darkened because of drying blood... the red liquid.himanshu(friend) always tells me about the idea that nothing is wrong... Same idea I read in "The Conversation with God" by Neale Donald WalschThen why is it rated so called wrong to break the thread of the poem... To break all the bounds and fly high in the sky... to dip deep into the ocean.. to do the wildest thing we sometimes want to do...
But again who rates it so... At the first place that corner of our mind which has the feelings alive for all those shadows who are holding the thread, because they have always been the guides for us... Even in the times when our eyes were closed... The most sickening boon for us is that we are a social animal. We need a society to live in... We need to exercise our thoughts only to the extent that is permitted and acceptable by the society and more importantly following the path they have drafted for us...
The vicious cycle of life as i said is that the society wants to hold us back because it needs us. We although believe it is wrong we want to be held back because some part of us needs to be held. Thats why perhaps god didn't give us wings.... God didn't want the precious wings to go wasted
But wait what did I say just now... "we believe it is wrong" ???