Random thoughts of a ...mind

Random thoughts of a ...mind

Just to tell you even before I start, I am not happy today. Someone might complain of my being so capricious but I just can't help it if i am not happy.

So I took up this topic of 'Fear'.

Somewhere I had read that there are two kinds of feelings. 'Love' and 'Fear'. Any other feeling is a mixture of these two. So maybe my today's mood can be called as 20% love and 80% fear.

This sunday one of my friends came down to my place. He's a great palmist. So the first thing we always do is to ask him to see our palm for latest changes in life.

The first thing he told me was, Very soon I am going to meet with a severe accident/physical trouble(disease or something maybe). And then he added that I will survive that accident. I remember some such thing is reported in my Kundlii also.

Am I frightened of that?

Let me add one more thing to this. When I just passed out of Class 10th, I suffered from some deadly disease which had left my whole family in trouble. And my mom says that was also written in my kundlii.

I am not frightened of any accident. Infact today again I closed my eyes for 3-4 seconds when driving at 80kmph on MG Road. I love my life but I don't really fear loosing it.
Maybe, this is called as 100% Love and 0% Fear.

But sometimes there are somethings in our life which we want to hold so tightly and so close to our heart that whenever we get an indication of loosing them, we start running. We run as fast as we can... giving the least thought to what we are running for. We never care to stop, relax, breathe some air and above all loosen our hold to check if we still have it or not. If we had ever had it or not. Was it something real or just a lovely but non-existent hallucination of our mind.

We keep running... climbing the highest tower of the tallest building we see around us and then comes a day when we realize we are so lonely. And we check our heart to find nothing. Next is nothing but a free fall.

I remember the bungee jump I had done.... It was a free fall... and I still remember that was the second time my body had left my soul behind... The first time was when I had jumped into the ganges with life jacket on in a rafting camp. I was under water for 8-10 seconds with my soul screaming at my body pleading to take it back inside.

Another thing my kundlii says is that I'll die at an age of 58 yrs. Some palmists say I'll die in early 50s, one said it may be sometime in 60s. I wish they could tell me the exact day exact date and time. So that I had something to fear about my life. I am not sure if I had feared that. Perhaps I don't think of it.
But I have smoked some cigarettes thinking anyways I am going to die befor some Lung Cancer troubles me :)

Next thing I asked him was, how are my chances at CAT this year. And he said very low. This time I had a fear.

Yes I have a fear of failing. Failing in exams, failing in job, failing in life.
I still remember the 24 hrs cry after IIT JEE and before the result of Roorkee Enterance Exam.
I still remember the night of CAT last year when I knew that I was going to fail.

And I thank him for telling this to me before I could connect more fear with it. And today when my brother asked me how is my preparation going on, then I said...

I don't bloody care.

The same palmist once told me I have a very strange luck line. My luck will favour me till the point I'll be about to get something and then it will snatch the thing from me. And when I look back at my life, this thing has always proved to be true with me.

50% Love 50% Fear

My luck has always played with my emotions.

And then he told me that I have very bright chances of going Onsite. And I loved this...
100% Love 0% Fear
Perhaps I can connect this with the good old Run philosophy Anurag and I share. To be very honest, I want to run... Run as fast as I can, anurag will ask... for what? Well maybe to outrun my soul. So that maybe a reason I want to go Onsite.

Or maybe the second reason is that I am bored of Bangalore now. So maybe after CAT I'll just leave bangalore and move to mumbai (where my bhaiya is) or Pune (heard that its a nice place).

And I want to have loads of work. So much of work that I wouldn't be able to look around to see where I am. I dream of a day like that.

And then after some 2-3 years I go outside my office to observe the changes in the world. To adore the world instead of the feeling of indifference I carry for it now.